Scout on Scout: Dr. Zandra Fiore, Gynecologist
SD: Lady Scoutington! Lady Scoutington!
LS: Oh, hey, Scout. Nice to see you.
SD: Yeah! So nice to see you, too. Phew. I’m glad I caught you. I haven’t seen you in so long. Where have you been?
SD: What does that mean, meh?
LS: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just, meh.
SD: Wow. That’s….
LS: Well, do you have questions for me or did you just flag me down to practice your wave for future taxi cab hailings?
SD: What? Oh! Of course I have questions for you. Um… hang on. Let me think… Well, what do you have going on right now? Shows?
LS: Yeah. Some shows.
SD: Anything exciting?
SD: Well, what about songs or sketches? Anything like that going on?
LS: Meh. Yeah. We did “Snuggle Pup” and “The Syria Song.”
SD: Oh, with Amy Hessler.
SD: As The Yip Yip Sisters.
LS; That’s the one.
SD: So… how were those?
LS: Cool. They were cool.
SD: Lady Scoutington, what’s going on. You aren’t acting like yourself. One word answers, un-heightened language. Are you ok?
(she looks blankly to the horizon)
SD: I said, Lady Scoutington, are you ok?
LS: Yeah. I’m great. Any more questions?
SD: Ugh, no. I guess that’s.
LS: Ok. It was nice seeing you.
SD: Wait! I, uh, I miss you.
LS: Excuse me?
SD: I miss you. We used to hang out all the time in New York, but since we’ve been in Los Angeles, I feel like I never see you anymore.
SD: So! You’re hilarious. What’s going on?
LS: Oh, Scout. Los Angeles is lovely, truly a city to be admired. The hiking, the weather, the gluten free options, but it’s no place for an old hack like me.
SD: You’re not a hack.
LS: But I am old.
SD: Only by Los Angeles standards! Everywhere else in the world, you’re PYT!
SD: Stop it with meh. It doesn’t suit you!
LS: I’m giving up.
SD: What? What are you talking about?
LS: I’ve been running myself ragged in circles for years, and for what?
LS: For the sake of noise over silence? Because Ben Nye had a sale on glitter and I couldn’t resist the bargain? I’m retiring. Perhaps I’ll become a part time rollerblade instructor again. Call my old boss. See if he’s hiring.
SD: Lady Scoutington, no! You can’t.
LS: Scout! (she slaps her) It’s time to face the facts! We’re nothing but peri-middleaged specters, ghosts from the entertainment world of yesteryear when public displays of nudity, faux British accents and heavy handed punchlines still meant something. I’m giving up. This is a town for Dane Cook, not for me.
LS: Excuse me?
SD: If you want to give up, I can’t stop you.
LS: Well, then, it’s settled. It’s back to part time rollerblade instruction in for me.
SD: If that’s what makes you happy.
LS: Of course it doesn’t make me happy!
SD: Then why do it?
LS: Because I’m giving up!
LS: Because I haven’t gotten anywhere.
SD: Because there isn’t anywhere to go. Sure, you could book a series regular tomorrow, but think of all you have accomplished so far. You sang for your supper full time in New York City. You have very narrowly been rejected from some amazing projects.
LS: Oh, almost, almost. I’m tired of hanging my head on an almost. Why can’t something just go my way. I’m unlucky, that’s what I am. If I hear of another friend booking a Macy’s commercial, I’ll die. I’ll just die!
SD: But almost is what the entire universe is made of… until it suddenly isn’t anymore. What I mean is, everything in the universe was an almost before it was. The only shortcuts to the top are the roads with no resistance, and then who would you be? Scout…
LS: Lady Scoutington.
SD: Right, Lady Scoutington, you may not have a savings account, but you have some amazing stories. Your struggle has made you who you are. You may have only reached a few thousand people ever in your career, but you have touched most of them very deeply, and if that doesn’t mean anything to you, then I don’t know what….
LS: (the phone rings) Hold on, I have to take this. It’s my agent. Hello, Jay? This is Scout. What’s going on? Uh huh. Uh huh. I did!? Really?! Thank you! Thank you so much for calling! Yes, I look forward to the details. Thanks again. Bye!
SD: What was that?
LS: My agent called. I booked the small but vital role on “The Mindy Project” of Dr. Zandra Fiore, gynecologist. I’m back on top! Two lines in four scenes, I’ll take it!
SD: Is that all it took? A co-star?
LS: Yup! That’s all she needs!
SD: Oh, lord. This is going to be a long career.
LS: Now out of my way! I need a mani, a pedi, and an entirely new wardrobe. From now on, I’m only wearing onesies and ankle boots. They are all the rage in Milan.
SD: Just never forget the…. (Lady Scoutington runs off) oh, nevermind. I’m just glad to have her back.
(she smiles, somewhat to herself, and exits left.)